THE ANGEL OF DEATH AND REFRAMING OUR PERCEPTIONS

REFRAMING life events:

BY: Yonason Witonsky

“Its never too late to have a good childhood.” – Alanon slogan

“Man’s rejection is G-d’s protection.” – Alanon slogan

Difficulties or yissurim come from the “hidden worlds” (which are higher), revealed kindnesses from the lower, revealed worlds (Sefer HaTanya)

The Angel of Death and reframing our perceptions.

You may be scratching your virtual head and wondering what these concepts have to do with each other.  On the surface-nothing at all.

However there is a powerful story I once heard about the Steipler Goan zy”a. There was once a yid who went into see the Steipler to a’sk for a bracha or an eitza.  When the Steipler looked up from his Gemara to see this person, he began yelling at the man and embarrassing him terribly. The man dumbfounded by these events left the Steipler’s study in despair. What could he have done to draw such a reaction from the Steipler?  Why would the Steipler choose such a public way to rebuke this man? Doesn’t the Steipler know the chazal which states embarrassing someone in public could cause a person to forfeit their place in the world to come r”l?

Those who witnessed this spectacle couldn’t hold themselves back and asked the Steipler why he had humiliated that man so. The Steipler stated that when that man walking into his office, he saw the Angel of Death accompanying him. Knowing that this man’s death was imminent the Steipler with his Ruach HaKodesh decided to embarrass the man in public which chazal equate with actual death. By doing so the angel of death was driven away as the person already experienced a death of sorts. That’s the difference between seeing something on the surface and understanding it in context.

In Bereishis where it says “G-d saw all that he created, and it was very good” chazal say that “good” refers to a good angel, VERY good refers to the angel of death.” Without this angel we would not be able to fulfill our purpose in the world and have free will. The fear of death and the judgement we face brings us to a much higher level as Rabbeinu Yonah states in Gates of Repentance.

Admittedly when we face painful circumstances this is difficult to do. However, this can be difference between pain and suffering. As I wrote last week there is a slogan “pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. What does this mean?

Pain is the initial circumstance which comes into our life that we don’t want. It could be the angry boss at work, or a scary diagnosis or a simple fender bender. Suffering is all the interpretations we make as a result of the initial pain such as “Life isn’t fair,” “even the small happiness I have is taken away,” or “things will never get better.” We could go on ad nauseum. Now as a Psychotherapist I will be the first to validate painful events. There are many situations which are very painful and it takes amazing people and amazing resiliency to keep moving forward! Not to mention courage, Emunah, and strength. However, I once heard a beautiful explanation when I was sitting shiva for my wife a”h whose 7th Yartzeit is next Sunday. (Bracha Ahuva bas HaRav Moshe Leib haKohen) The Novominsker Rebbe Shlit” asked me why is it by Yosef and Binyomin when they first met after so many years that Yosef was crying for Binyomin’s churban mikdash, and Binyomin was crying for Mishkan Shiloh which was Yosef’s chorban? The answer he says is that on another person’s pain we need to cry. I have heard it said that not feeling someone else’s pain is equivalent to “killing them.” Therefore empathy, validation, even crying is appropriate. However, on our own pain; we need to BUILD! Unfortunately, pain is sometimes the only thing that will get us to make true changes in our lives. Changes which can prove life saving or life altering. As the Vilna Goan states brought by Rabbi Chaim Shmuelevitz zt”l that in the future we will cry about what we are laughing about today, and we will laugh about what we are crying about today. We need to see events in the big picture to understand the master plan, which always is for our best. Yes, LIFE is FAIR it just doesn’t appear that way on the surface sometimes. Though there are processes such as the Demartini Method which I facilitate where we can systematically see the balance of support and challenge in even the most difficult circumstances.

    Reframing in social work is defined as a process by which we reinterpret events that occurred to us and maybe bring some of our suffering down to the level of pain. As I stated in the beginning sometimes there could be a shidduch, job, or situation we wanted but we were not aware of all the drawbacks the package contained. When we are turned down, we may feel that we are a victim of pain etc. Reframing allows the possibility to look at a different option. One example of this is the slogan stated earlier that “Man’s rejection is G-d’s protection.” That’s why as Jews living with Emunah in H’ goodness, strength, and love we always need to state as Rabbi Akiva said “everything that G-d does is for the good.” We may not know the good at the moment, but we have emunah in the Masterplan. One powerful tool to spread the light in the darkness is to thank H’ for our difficulties, knowing that there is ultimately only kindness (As heard from Rabbi Shalom Arush shlit”a)

Yonason Witonsky is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice specializing in addictions, crisis intervention, depression and anxiety. He can be reached at 718-614-5449 or yw@psychotherapist.biz.                                                                                          Psychology Today profile: https://www.psychologytoday.com/profile/414071