ASK THE THERAPIST

Q: My husband wants to move to the same city as our married children, while I want to stay in Marine Park. I love visiting my kids and grandkids, but I have a very active social life here, and I love my job. We argue about this all the time. Please help!

A: What a dilemma! There is no clear right or wrong here. When faced with the prospect of relocating, especially for family reasons, it’s natural to feel torn between your current life and the potential changes ahead. As a therapist, I can offer some perspectives and strategies to help you and your husband navigate this significant decision without sacrificing your own happiness.

First and foremost, it’s crucial to acknowledge that you and your husband have valid reasons for your preferences. Your husband’s desire to move closer to your married children and grandchildren is understandable. Proximity to family can foster a more profound sense of connection and support, especially as families grow and change.

On the other hand, your attachment to Marine Park is equally important. You’ve built a fulfilling life with a vibrant social circle and a job that brings you joy and purpose—how blessed are you to have that! These elements are integral to your sense of well-being and identity.

Open and honest communication is the cornerstone of any successful resolution. Creating a space where you can each express your feelings and concerns without fear of judgment or dismissal is essential. Here are some tips for fostering effective communication:

1. Use “I” Statements: Frame your feelings using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, “I feel fulfilled with my social life and job in Marine Park” rather than “You want to uproot me from my life.”
2. Active Listening: Listen to your partner’s perspective. Show empathy and understanding by acknowledging and validating his feelings.
3. Regular Check-Ins: Schedule regular discussions about the topic, allowing you each to voice new thoughts and feelings as they arise. This keeps the conversation ongoing and dynamic.

Finding common ground often involves exploring compromises that honor both partners’ needs. Here are a few potential solutions:

1. Split Time Between Locations: If feasible, consider splitting your time between where your children live and Marine Park. This way, you can maintain your social and professional life while enjoying extended visits with family.
2. Trial Period: Suggest a trial period of living near your children. This can help you acclimate gradually and better understand what the permanent move might entail.
3. Remote Work Options: If your job allows, explore remote work opportunities that enable you to stay professionally active while being closer to family.

Sometimes, an unbiased third party can facilitate understanding and compromise. What about speaking with a Rav? A Rav or third-party mediator can help you navigate the complexities of this decision and foster open and honest dialogue within the parameters of your shalom bayis.

Ultimately, it’s essential to evaluate your long-term goals as a couple. What do you each envision for your future regarding lifestyle, health, and happiness? Aligning your decision and working together can provide a better sense of direction and purpose.

Relocating is a significant decision that impacts both of your lives tremendously. You don’t want to make decisions and then constantly nag your spouse in the aftermath of this life-changing decision – whichever it may be. By having open communication, exploring creative compromises, and/or seeking rabbinical guidance, you can find a solution that respects and values both of you. Remember, the goal is to navigate this journey together with empathy and understanding, maintaining true harmony in your home.