Q: I’m nervous about hosting Pesach this year. We’ll have relatives staying with us who don’t agree on anything—from parenting to politics. How can I keep things calm and avoid any drama?
A: It can be super nerve-wracking to bring together a mix of personalities and opinions, especially when everyone is stuck in the same house for a few days together during Pesach. Managing the family dynamics during a Yom Tov can be a delicate dance, but with a little preparation, you can create an atmosphere that encourages harmony. Here are some ideas to help you:
- Set Ground Rules with Grace: Before everyone arrives, you might want to gently communicate that the focus is celebrating Pesach and being together. Maybe frame it as “Let’s make this a drama-free zone so we can all enjoy the seudos!”
- Engage Everyone in the Prep: People feel more invested when they have a role. Whether setting the table, chopping veggies, or saying a dvar Torah, this could help channel their energy positively.
- Neutral Topics: At the table, prepare engaging discussion starters that steer clear of contentious issues. It could be favorite Pesach memories or fun questions like “If you were leaving Mitzrayim, what three items would you take?”. If controversial subjects start creeping into the conversation, gracefully steer the discussion elsewhere. Have a few neutral, engaging topics or fun questions ready to cut off any hot topics.
- Separate Time for Venting: If you know certain relatives tend to clash, consider structuring parts of the day so they have less “airtime” together. Thoughtful seating can also go a long way. Place individuals with differing opinions or known conflicts farther apart and position peacemakers or neutral relatives between them.
- Shared Laughter: Plan something light-hearted that brings everyone together, like a humorous story, a group game, or even a family trivia quiz. Laughter is a powerful unifier!
- Enlist Helpers: Ask family members to help with small tasks, like serving food or clearing dishes. Shared responsibilities can foster teamwork and provide a break from prolonged conversations.
- Parenting: It can be difficult navigating negative parenting disagreements. When disagreement arises, try to hear their perspective without getting defensive. Sometimes people just want to feel heard, and this can help defuse tension. If you’re comfortable, briefly explain why you approach parenting the way you do. Sharing your reasoning can sometimes help others understand your perspective better.
- Your Oasis: Make sure you carve out small moments for yourself amidst the busyness. Even five minutes with a cup of tea in a quiet corner can recharge you.
Yomim Tovim bring people together, but they also remind us that we’re all human—with quirks and (some strong!) opinions. If disagreements surface, gently remind everyone what the Pesach is about. One of the things Pesach does is celebrate how Bnei Yisrael came together as one people despite their differences. It teaches us to do the same—appreciate the diversity in our families while focusing on what we share. Keep in mind that you can only do your utmost to make it as smooth as possible. However, it might get out of hand at some point – in which case, try not to let it get to you. Take a deep breath and do the best that you can.
