ASK THE THERAPIST

A. It’s never too late to address a topic that affected us so deeply as a community. None of us were prepared to process the tragedy and help our children heal following this disaster. First of all, I’d like to extend my condolences following the death of your relatives. May their neshamos have an aliyah. I’d also like to point out that there is a part of the question missing. I’m curious: How did you feel following the tragedy? In order for us to adequately support our children, we first have to check in with ourselves. Were you experiencing shock, denial, or sadness? 

In her book On Death and Dying, published in 1969, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross discusses the five stages of grief. She states that grief is not only limited to the death of an immediate family member, but can also be caused by a disaster, divorce, or the ending of a relationship. Kubler- Ross defines the five stages of grief as: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. She defines denial as avoidance, anger as frustration, and bargaining as a struggle to find meaning in the event. She also describes depression as hopelessness and acceptance as setting up a new plan to move on. These stages do not always follow a specific order and at times a stage might even be skipped. 

For you to process how you felt following the tragedy, it is important for you to explore these stages. Then take inventory by asking yourself which of these stages you have experienced. If you were able to go back in time it would be helpful for you to validate your children’s’ feeling and perhaps explain the stages of grief based on their levels of understanding. Following the event you would periodically check in with the children and help them take inventory about which stages they might have experienced. 

On a more practical level, in her article titled “Helping Your Child Deal with Death” (2016), Dr. D’arcy Lyness describes the process of helping your child process loss. She breaks it down into concrete steps. First, she encourages parents to use clear and simple language when describing the painful event. Then give your child a moment to process the news and provide comfort as the child cries. Normalize your child’s feelings by expressing similar feelings you might have experienced. Then tell your child what occurs next (such as funeral or rituals) and ask your child if he or she would like to take part. In addition, give your child a role to process feelings such as writing a poem or praying. If your child seems sad, respond with comfort and reassurance and help the child feel better by engaging in activities the child appreciates, such as art or baking. Last but not least, give yourself and your child time to heal from the loss. Healing can occur by commemorating the loss through meaningful actions and growth.