THE OBSERVANT JEW

Words from the Wise

Someday I hope to put together a list of English words and axioms and their Torah-based counterparts. I find them intriguing. For example, the phrase, “A word to the wise,” meaning “here’s a piece of advice,” is short for, “A word to the wise is sufficient.” In Hebrew, it’s a familiar phrase: “Dai l’chakima b’remiza,” meaning that for the wise person, a hint is enough for them to get the message.

Though a wise person may not need as many words to get the point, there’s another aspect in which we need to be wise when it comes to words: how our words will affect other people. As a writer, I can assure you that words are not just a means of communicating information. Along with that information come emotions, humor, and tone. The variation of these will depend on whether a person will want to read what you wrote or not.

I am personally fond of a specific series of trivia books which share facts, history, and odd occurrences. It is fun to read, has manageable-size entries (I don’t like novels that take you hours upon hours to read), and I learn interesting things. One day, my wife was at a store and saw a book that looked like the ones I like. I was very appreciative, but unfortunately, the book was dry, boring, and bland. Though it was conveying facts and statistics I didn’t know, its particular wording made it hard and unpleasant to read.

Speech is similar. I can convey ideas or concepts in different ways to different effect. Let’s say you come over and tell me a joke. It’s very funny, true, but I also have known it for some time. How I respond will be very telling about what kind of person I am. I’m sure we can all relate.

Setting the stage: You’ve just heard or seen something that you found clever and humorous. You’re excited to share it, so you tell it to me. If I say, “I heard that joke months ago,” all the joy and excitement will drain out of your mood. Even if I say, “Ha! Ha! Yeah, I heard that. It’s a good one,” you’re not getting the pleasure you could have had.” It’s better than the first way, but still not quite there.

What words would we hear from a wise person? “Ha! Ha! That’s great. I’ll have to remember that one,” or something similar. Wisdom understands that there’s more benefit in making someone feel better than letting them know that I’m more informed than they are or think I am. I recall the pain of coming up with a joke and sharing it with someone whose opinion I valued, but instead of appreciating it, he gave me a cynical brush-off. It hurt. Why would I want to do that to someone else?

I’ve had people tell me divrei Torah that I’ve known already, but instead of nodding and saying, “Yes, I saw that,” I’ve listened and given them the pleasure of feeling like they’ve taught me something of value, and yes, even that they knew something that  I didn’t. The wise person seeks to make others feel smart and good about themselves.

In Mishlei (9:8), it says, “Don’t rebuke a mocker, lest he hate you. Rebuke a wise person and he will love you.” There is a fantastic explanation of this verse. The typical understanding is that you shouldn’t waste your time with someone who won’t listen to rebuke anyway. I heard from Rabbi Paysach Krohn that Letz is made up of the letters Lamed and Tzaddik. A Letz is someone who thinks he knows it all (lamed=learned) and that he is perfect (tzaddik=righteous/perfect). Such a person won’t listen to rebuke because he doesn’t think he needs it. In that case, don’t waste your breath.

However, the other explanation says you can give mussar to anyone, if you know how to do it. When you want to point out someone’s error, first of all, as Rav Dessler writes, be sure to only criticize the error, not the person who erred; the offense and not the offender. That’s a big mistake people often make.

Then there are the words. If you tell someone, “You’re such a bum!” why on earth would he listen to you? If anything he’ll hate you and your words will lose all efficacy. That’s criticizing a “letz,” because you’ve painted the recipient as evil.

But when you rebuke a “chacham,” and you tell him, “A smart guy like you shouldn’t X,” or, “Doing Y is really beneath someone like you,” he loves you for the compliments you give him and your words will be able to change him.

You see, when it comes down to it, words may be wise by themselves, but they won’t hit their mark unless they are used wisely as well.

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