THE OBSERVANT JEW

Lessons in Loyalty

On a recent airplane flight, I found myself very limited in my choice of seats. As it was a completely full
flight, I ended up with a window seat. Normally, I prefer an aisle so I don’t need to bother people to get
up but, as is always the case, it became clear that I would be sitting exactly where Hashem wanted me to
sit.
As I made my way onto the plane, I saw that my seatmates had already seated themselves; the wife in
the aisle and the husband in the middle, next to me. I felt bad making them get up to let me in, especially
as they were elderly and he seemed to have a lot of trouble moving around. She lovingly guided him into
the aisle so I could make my way to the window seat, and as I slipped in and stowed my carry-on
underneath the seat in front of me, she pivoted him to sit back in his seat.
As she did so, she swung around behind him to face me and whispered, “He has dementia.” At the same
time, I noted the necklace she wore bore a magen Dovid, a Jewish Star. I became even more confident
that there was a reason for me to be seated with them.
As she got settled again in her aisle seat, she said wistfully, “We’ve been married 55 years, and soon it
will be 56. He took VERY good care of me for all those years.” It seemed as though she was trying to
explain her situation to me; to answer a question that I didn’t ask. “It must be such a burden on you to
deal with someone with dementia. How do you do it? WHY do you do it?”
First of all, I suspect she had let me know upfront that he had dementia perhaps so I wouldn’t get
annoyed with the fact that her husband was slow or might not understand my needs. She wanted me to
have compassion on him and that was fine. With this comment, though, she also wanted to let me know
that this man was worthy of respect because until he was stricken with this challenge, he had been
devoted to the happiness of his family.
“Taking care of someone who was so good to you is not a burden,” she seemed to be saying, “but an
opportunity for appreciation.” Lesson number one.
As R’ Dessler says, the root of the word love, Ahava, is “hav” to give. The more we give, the more we
love. For this woman, caring for the person who cared for her for so long and now needed care himself

was an opportunity to not only return a kindness but to grow in love for the person with whom she’d
spent her life. Isn’t that the advice of Shlomo Hamelech in Koheles? To find someone to love (i.e., give
to) and spend your life enjoying their company?
She made small talk with him. “Look what a nice plane this is; would you like to flip through the
magazine? It has nice things in it.” She remained positive and lovingly gentle though he was somewhat
distant. How did she do it? From where did she draw the strength to keep going?
At one point, she picked up her tablet computer and showed me the picture which was the background
for her screen. It could have been a stock photo of a dashing young man in a U.S. Army uniform and a
lovely young woman so proud to call him her husband, but I knew that to her it represented a lifetime of
commitment. To me, it seemed as if this reminded her of all those years and perhaps gave her the
strength to push onward when the challenge seemed too great.
Lesson number two: find ways to motivate yourself to do the right thing. That picture reminded her of
why she married him; of their youthful bond when she saw so much promise in him, which had
apparently been fulfilled.
Once again, this has a parallel in Torah where Hashem says, “I remember for you the kindness of your
youth, when you followed Me in the wilderness.” Remembering the past is key to building a future in
the present.
“What have you done for me lately?” is a common refrain. So long as the other party in the relationship
is producing, giving us what we want or need, we’re willing to hold on. Unfortunately, sometimes
people will say, “This relationship isn’t working for me anymore.” That is a selfish attitude. Now, in
some cases the relationship should end, such as if one party is abusive in some way. But to end a
relationship merely because someone can’t do what they used to do shows ingratitude. Sometimes we
feel that Hashem has chas v’shalom stopped looking after us. It isn’t true, but to get us past those
feelings let’s think of all the good He has given to us for all these years.
Whether with people in our lives, or with Hashem, Himself, we could all stand to learn these lessons.
Look for opportunities to show appreciation, and find ways to remind yourself why you’re appreciative.
It will give you the strength and will to keep the love alive and be the most loyal and best version of
yourself.

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than we can imagine.