ASK THE THERAPIST

Our teenager spends large amounts of his free time on his smartphone despite our best efforts to curtail his usage. To add to this issue, we’ve filtered his phone and restricted a lot of access, but suspect that he still gets questionable content from his friends. We believe that confiscating his phone will backfire on us. Any advice?

Thank you for your question. The difficulties and challenges of raising healthy teenagers in today’s world are unparalleled. There is an explosion of technology, information, and novelty that bombards our children as they grow into their teen years. Perhaps we can say that every teenager is ‘at risk’ from the moment they reach adolescence. This puts a tremendous burden on parents to try and ‘get it right’ as the stakes can be high.

There appear to be two components to your question, both of which are common challenges in raising teens. The first is what we can do as parents to set effective limits with our children. What happens when they refuse to listen to the limits we set? The second is how we can provide oversight and guidance to our children when it comes to the internet and all the challenges it presents.

Let’s attempt to tackle the first one. Our job as parents is to balance structure and freedom with our teens. This needs to be done with a foundation of love. We all hear about the importance of unconditional love and there are different theories of what that truly means. In my experience, the approach I have found to be most effective is for our children to know that we love them no matter what choices they make. While we might not agree with some of what they choose (and won’t support it financially or otherwise), our love is unwavering. This requires us telling them (verbally) from time to time that our love is unconditional. And of course, our actions have to reflect that as well. At times we also need to explain to them that when you love someone, you are willing to make choices that may upset them. Your job is to do what is best for them even when they don’t feel the same. A strong relationship serves as the best guarantee to ensure that the parental hierarchy can remain in place even if it’s imperfect from time to time. I would suggest sitting down with your child during a calm time, discussing what your concerns are, and coming up with a plan to ensure there is structure around his phone and internet use. Although ‘negotiating’ sounds unhealthy as we are the parents, at times when there has been a real rupture in the relationship it is the best choice we have. We don’t want to get into a power struggle with teens as we know they are impossible to win and even temporary ‘victories’ inevitably result in defeat in the long run.

With the second component, I think it’s important for all parents to have regular talks with their children (who have online access) about the benefits and dangers of the internet. Of course, each device should have a filter and/or monitoring program, but be aware that it can only help so much. It is impossible in today’s day and age to guarantee that our children won’t be exposed to inappropriate or harmful material. Once again our most effective tool is utilizing our relationship and trust so that we can empower them to make healthy choices. Trying to use control and rules as the main tactic will almost inevitably fail. Even if our children do stumble on sites they shouldn’t, our hope should be that they come to discuss it with us so that we can help them make better decisions for the future. Raising teenagers can feel like a mission impossible so be aware that you are not alone. Of course, as frum Jews we need to ask G-d for all the help He can give.