ASK THE THERAPIST

BY: Racheli Goldberger

I’m a 38-year-old married woman and a mother of five children. I’m one of six siblings who are all married and raising children. My siblings all live out of town and I usually only get to see them on Yamim Tovim and family simchos. My mother passed away five years ago following a sudden heart attack. My father is in his mid-seventies and lives close by. He has always been very demanding and moody. When my mother was alive, she took care of his needs and coped with his unstable moods. Now that she passed away, the brunt of my father’s care has fallen on me. My father calls every day asking me to Google things or take care of errands, and he makes me feel guilty if I’m spending time with my children or working. Although I love my siblings, I have grown resentful of them because they rarely come in to visit my father. About a year ago I had a conference call with them and mentioned the way I felt. Since then, they have expressed appreciation for all I do for my father, but still rarely come to visit him. How do I set boundaries with my father and solicit help from my siblings before I experience complete burnout? 

You are a mother of five children, a working woman, and your father’s caretaker. Let’s take a moment to note how difficult it is to be in your position and how normal it is for you to feel exhausted and resentful at times.

 I’d like to address your question by breaking it into pieces. First, let’s address your siblings’ roles in taking care of your father. I believe you are due for another conference call with your siblings. You can acknowledge their appreciation and be upfront about your needs and your father’s needs. Create a calendar that blocks out which siblings and/or grandchildren will be coming in at least twice a month to spend Shabbos with your father. I believe that between six siblings this should be quite doable. Create a weekly calendar in which every sibling knows which day of the week they are responsible for taking care of your father’s needs. When it’s that sibling’s turn, he or she can check in with your father to see how he’s feeling. That sibling can also cover errands such as taking care of a grocery order over the phone or helping your father take care of a bill. I believe this will reduce your level of resentment towards your siblings significantly. 

Before I address boundaries with your father, I’d like to address the importance of self-care. I believe that all work and no play can take your smile away! In her article “Why Self-Care Isn’t Selfish: Advice for Women” published in 2021, Dr. Sandra Darling stresses the importance of self-care to avoid chronic stress. She highlights the importance for women to create a pause daily. The simple ideas she provides for self-care are yoga, guided meditation, and spending time in nature. She stresses the importance of getting enough sleep and sitting in nature without a phone. I believe that if you try to incorporate any of these activities daily you will reduce the probability of burnout from your multiple responsibilities. 

To set boundaries with your father,  I recommend that you connect with a Rav who can guide you from a halachic perspective. You might want to discuss the extent to which you are obligated to respect your father when he hurts you verbally and/or emotionally. That being said, let’s discuss boundaries you can set with your father to improve your mental health. In her article, “Setting Boundaries with Parents,” published in 2021, Krissy Brady explains how to set boundaries with parents and stick with them. First, she stresses the importance of reinforcing existing healthy boundaries. This means that if there are areas where your father already respects your boundaries, it is important to offer empowering words of appreciation. Second, pay attention to unhealthy boundaries and define the changes you require. Third, in order not to overwhelm your parent, set one healthy boundary over a period of time. For example, you can let your father know that when your children come home from school you are not available to talk to him. Then stick with this specific boundary. Fourth, keep your cool. Ground your body before having a conversation with your father. This will significantly decrease your need to defend yourself during the conversation. Use “I” statements. When your father hurts your feelings, you can say, “I feel hurt when this occurs. Moving forward, this is what I need.” 

Finally, set consequences. For example, if your father disrespects the boundary you have set and continues to call when your children show up from school, remind him about the boundary. Then let him know that if he continues to cross this boundary, you will have to take a hiatus from speaking with him for a week.

 I hope my response has shed some light on your concerns. Remember to elicit your siblings’ help by expressing your feelings and delegating clear tasks. Moreover, remember the importance of engaging in daily self-care activities as well as setting clear boundaries with your father.