Alexander Rand LCSW-R CASAC is a licensed clinical social worker and addictions therapist. He received his master’s degree from Fordham University. He has worked in both inpatient and outpatient facilities, at various Yeshiva high schools in Brooklyn, and as an administrative supervisor for JBFCS
He currently maintains a private practice in Brooklyn NY and serves as an adjunct professor at Brooklyn College and Touro College Graduate School of Social Work.
June 9, 2017
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Alexander Rand
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Q: I am sending my son to overnight camp for the first time this summer. He’s very excited, but I’m the one who is nervous! What steps can I take to prevent him from getting homesick? How will I know things are going well once he is there?
A: Great questions and I applaud your honesty. Your questions encompass two separate points. One is about the safety and well-being of your child and one is about managing feelings of missing someone we love.
Let’s address the question about safety first. In the times we are living, the discussion about inappropriate touch is a must for every parent and child from the earliest age they can understand it. This talk needs to be regularly reviewed with your child and certainly prior to him going to camp.
One of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship is the ability to feel comfortable expressing our wants, needs and concerns. It is essential as parents that we create an atmosphere where a child feels comfortable and safe bringing up even uncomfortable topics.
How do we know if we are doing a good job with it?
It might be helpful to ask our children at a calm time how comfortable they are discussing difficult things with you? You might want to use a scale of 1-10 to help them gauge how they feel where 10 indicates completely comfortable and 1 only a drop. We need to be completely open and curious to their answer even if we don’t like it. If our child’s indicates any type of discomfort we need to be able to ask why and listen closely to the answer before just immediately replying with something like “How could you feel that? You can trust me with anything!” or “I can’t believe you’re saying that! We talk about everything!” Rather, listen to what they are saying and perhaps ask what would help them increase the number they chose by one or two.
Aside from safety it can be helpful to touch base with your son’s counselor or someone else from the camp prior to the start of the summer especially if there are certain needs or limitations your child has. You can also ask your son if he has any worries about going to camp and try to address what he brings up.
With regard to the concern of your child missing you, although it is very frightening for many parents the first time they send their children to sleepaway camp, more often than not the child learns to adjust without much difficulty. Remind yourself that it’s an act of love to allow your child to develop their independence. Sometimes parents fear that development (for a number of reasons) and hinder the natural growth of their child by being overly protective. That can result in a child that struggles to be an independent adult when the time comes for them to start their own lives and families.
Children at the age of 2-3 will slowly begin to tolerate being separated from their mother for increased amounts of time because of the concept of object constancy. They learn that not seeing someone doesn’t mean they no longer exist and they trust that they will be reunited with their caregiver. Prior to that, children fear separation from a parent because in their mind what they can’t see no longer exists. Similarly, if your child does, in fact, report a difficulty acclimating, you can suggest to him to bring up images or positive memories of you and the family (or home) and just notice what he feels during those moments. Your child doesn’t actually have to be there to experience those feelings as when it comes to memories our brain reacts as if it is happening in the present. Sometimes it helps to have an actual object that reminds us of who we are missing and utilizing it a reminder of that person when they are not there.
To further help manage those feelings it is important to set up a fixed routine of when your child will contact you contact you (which should ideally follow the camp’s scheduled times and frequency for this). And if he finds himself missing you in between those times it is ok to acknowledge the feelings without judging them and turn his focus to something in the present with the knowledge that he will have the opportunity to speak with him at the next scheduled time.
Wishing you and your family a wonderful summer!
