CHOOSE TO SHINE

You are about to go on a first date. It has taken weeks, perhaps even months to get to this point. You have showered, dressed up, and brushed your teeth. You feel a nervous energy in the pit of your stomach, wondering if your date will like you. You wonder if you will like them. It is a very normal and expected feeling to experience. Hopefully you or the shaddchan has researched the weather forecast, checked for a suitable venue, and done whatever is possible to ensure that things will go smoothly. You hope to have a nice time, you pray it turns out well, and you want to make it memorable and worthy of a second date. That is the entire goal of a first date. After all, you had heard great things before you agreed to go out with this person. Hopefully you even checked your Dor Yeshorim numbers and received an approval in advance (right?). You davened to Hashem that everything will go smoothly, that you won’t feel awkward, and that you two will find enjoyable topics of conversation.

You arrive at the venue and take a breath. You remember to give silent thanks that you are even out on a first date. You express gratitude to Hashem in your mind that this great person is out with you, spending time with you, focused on you. You hope to focus on them and enjoy yourself, regardless of what may or may not work out in the future. You are entirely present. You are completely in the moment. The anxiety melts away and you allow yourself to fully experience the happiness of sharing good company.

At the end you make sure to thank the other person for joining you, for making sure you had a nice time, for just spending that time with you. You do your best not to worry about anything. Just reflect on the simple joy of time well spent, and trust that Hashem has brought you closer to the main purpose on your journey to find the right person with whom to share your life, your dreams, and your avodas HaBorei.

That is my main goal when “redting” a shidduch. While I try to be available to give advice and exchange ideas, I view much of my job as a volunteer shaddchan to make the suggestions and to put people in touch with each other.  Most of the single people with whom I speak (196 as of this writing, in the few months I have been doing this) know the drill.  My wife asked me how I can set people up without checking them out first. I answered that I am not a private investigator. Even if I were, I would not be a very good one since I try to see the good in everyone.  We do have to trust that the truth will eventually come out. Knowing this, it makes no sense to try and hide anything. When something comes out later than when it should have rightly been disclosed it can create disastrous effects, even ruining the lives of the people involved, through no fault of their own. 

This is especially true as a couple grows more serious with each other. If someone is old enough to get married, and if they are mature enough to start a life together with their intended match, then they should be fully capable of having candid discussions directly with each other about everything and anything. Realistic expectations and good faith are critical to making matches work. There is no flawless, perfect human being out there. Everyone has something in their lives with which they will be challenged. 

There are many theories concerning why our community has so many unmatched singles. I do not have the panacea. But I do know that each one of us can make a real difference if we try. Towards that end, 10kBatayYisroel.org  sponsored a contest on Chanukah to encourage regular people, non-shaddchanim, to suggest matches. Sign up on their website, form teams of up to five people, brainstorm about matches, and facilitate first dates. The prizes are enticing, but the real rewards are unimaginable.  The deadline is December 6th for suggestions and December 20th for first dates.