TOP 5 COMMON SENSE DATING TIPS

Goldy Krantz

I’m not sure why people ask me for dating advice. I’m not any smarter or have any additional insight to shidduch dating than anyone else. If I did, I wouldn’t have spent over a decade in the parasha and have dated hundreds (yes, that is with an “s”) of men. As my brother-in-law once told me, I was the queen of first and second dates, but after that I was as lost as everyone else. 

But here I am decades later with a mildly successful shidduch dating book under my belt, penning a weekly dating column, speaking at events, and meeting singles who appreciate my message. My goal is to have singles laugh instead of cry about their status. My book and my speeches are my ways of relating my bad experiences to my new best friends, the audience, so we can share a good laugh instead of tissues to wipe our tears. Many tell me that my book helped them when they were depressed about dating and it showed others what it’s really like out there. 

 I have put together my top five dating tips applicable to both male and females. This is advice from someone who has been there, done that, and has learned from it. It also doesn’t hurt that I am a licensed master social worker and was forced to take Human Behavior I and II in graduate school. 

Tip #1 – Be prepared to date. 

Before committing to a date with someone, make sure you are ready emotionally and mentally to open yourself up to someone else. Whoever you date deserves all your attention, just as you deserve theirs. If you only have a couple of hours a week to date or you are constantly thinking of deadline, don’t date. If you are not in an emotionally good place (and that could mean anything such as trying to get over the demise of a previous relationship or the death of your dog), don’t date.

I vividly remember sitting in the car at the start of a date when the fellow said, “I think I should tell you I was recently engaged. We broke up two weeks ago, or should I say she blindsided me and ended the engagement. I still can’t believe it. But don’t worry, I am getting back into the scene.” Throughout the evening my date cried actual tears. He was still in disbelief regarding his breakup. He never should have been out on a date so soon after and the shadchan should have known better than to set him up. 

Tip #2 – You must like yourself before asking another to do so. 

It’s not as easy as it sounds. One’s personality is shaped by their experiences in life and how they were raised. Thankfully, my parents let their children know how much they loved and support us. Others aren’t as lucky. I have gone out with men who didn’t have any self-esteem. It was apparent in the way they walked, talked, and behaved. I would always treat these fellows with extra care. I would laugh at their jokes and give them compliments. Their eyes would light up when they realized I was listening to what they were saying. Unfortunately, I can’t be with someone who doesn’t have a good sense of self. I called a shadchan the morning after such a date to tell her, “He’s nice, but he isn’t for me.” The shadchan said, “He called last night saying he had a great time, but that you probably wouldn’t want to go out with him again. He enjoyed the date and wanted me to thank you for that.” It was heartbreaking to hear. 

To the those who can identify with what I just wrote. I say, you are good enough for everything you want out of life! Hashem loves you; now you must love yourself. If necessary, I recommend seeking out a therapist to help you realize your self-worth and find your confidence. You are good, smart, and beautiful enough to accomplish anything you want. But again, you must think well of yourself before you ask another to do so.

Tip #3 – Choose an appropriate venue for a first date. 

Just thinking of where to go on a first date can cause anxiety. Many don’t want to sit and eat on a first date, or if they do, they don’t only want to eat on a date. So, what can you do on a first date? A friend of mine went to a hotel lounge and spent the night playing a board game that her date brought. The evening was spent with two people getting to know each other and playing checkers or Trivial Pursuit. Depending on how confident you are in your ability, you can go ice skating. I feel dates such as shows or ball games should be saved for the third or fourth date when you’ve already gotten to know each other a bit. Think outside the box. Axe throwing venues are popular, and there’s the new craze of playing Cornhole or Shuffleboard. There are Sip and Paint classes that people seem to love. The choices are endless. But the one place I do not recommend going to on any date is…the cemetery. Bet you didn’t expect me to write that! A cousin of mine called me right after a date. She said that her date told her he wanted to introduce her to his family. My cousin thought it was strange because it was their first date, but she reluctantly agreed. Imagine her surprise when they pulled up to a cemetery. He took her to his grandparents’ grave and “introduced” her to them! My cousin said it was very creepy. I think we all would agree.

Tip #4 – Keep the conversation light on a first date. 

People often wonder, “What am I supposed to talk about with a stranger?” This, as well as tip #3, can be referred to as “First Date Jitters.” It’s normal to feel nervous because you are meeting and spending time with a stranger and trying to figure out if you want to wake up next to this person for the next 50 years. The goal of the first couple of dates is to get to know the person you are with and vice versa. Talk about hobbies, or if you “don’t have any,” like I hear so many say, start by asking about their day. Talk about your day. Maybe tell a funny story about a classmate or coworker. Discuss summer camp, the bungalow colony, or which seminary in Israel you attended. Soon enough you will be playing Jewish geography. Ease into things. Don’t start off with hashkafah questions, and don’t recite a monologue about your life. Yes, you are trying to get to know each other, but you shouldn’t tell them everything in one sitting! Let there be a natural back and forth. If there are a few moments of silence, embrace them. Think of them as comfortable silences where you can think and regroup instead of awkward silences. When married, you and your spouse won’t be talking every second of the day. You may sit next to your spouse without saying anything, simply enjoying their company.

Tip #5 – When you are on a date, always think before you speak. 

I shouldn’t have to write this, but treat others as you would want to be treated. On one date, while being led to our table in a restaurant, someone called out to my date. It ended up being a good friend of his. They started schmoozing as if I wasn’t standing there. The hostess realized this and led me to the table saying she’d return with my companion. When my date finally sat down at the table, he said, “You got the better seat.  Now I’m forced to look at you.” And no, it was not said in a sweet affectionate tone. But he was just getting started. During dinner he asked which celebrity I liked. I didn’t put much thought into my answer and named a random actress. “Why?” he asked. “Is it because you think you look like her?” I asked him why he felt he the need to be rude. His answer was take him or leave him, but this was 100% him. I told him I was choosing the latter and wanted to leave. Unfortunately, it was the days before Uber and I didn’t have much cash on me. I ended up waited while my date slowly ate dessert before he drove me home.

I will end with what I tell everyone: Never let anyone dim your spark. Do not apologize for who you are or try to extinguish that which makes you uniquely you. If the person you are dating doesn’t like aspects of your personality and asks you to change, don’t. Be true to who you are. You are worth it to be yourself and for someone to love you as you are.

Hatzlacha to you all!

Goldy is an LMSW guest lecturer and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and the children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?”  She can be contacted at bestofmyworst@hotmail.com.