RABBI REUVEN EPSTEIN’STEN PRINCIPLES OF MARRIAGE

Here’s the thing: there’s no such thing as the good-enough marriage. People, by nature, are not satisfied with good; we want the best – especially when it comes to our marriages. But marriage takes work, and it takes a lot of work to get from good…to better…to best.

Few people know this better than Rabbi Reuven Epstein, founder and CEO of MarriagePro.co.  During the early years of his marriage, he studied under the direct tutelage of rabbanim who are marriage and intimacy experts in Jerusalem. Using their Torah-based approaches along with tenets of modern psychology and personal development tools, Rabbi Epstein has educated and coached hundreds of couples in all stages of marriage.    

When I asked Rabbi Epstein to share his top ten marriage principles, his response was, “Just ten?” It is true that a great marriage is comprised of many more than ten principles. But they all share the same roots of selflessness and willingness to make things work.   Rabbi Epstein says that when he meets with couples he acts like a true friend. “A true friend,” he clarifies, “will not tell you that you look great if he notices something between your teeth. A true friend will tell you that you have something between your teeth. When I see that something needs to be changed, that’s what I’ll say.”

With that in mind, these ten principles can be read as ten challenges – challenges that, if met, will make things a whole lot better. So challenge yourself. Read Rabbi Epstein’s words of wisdom. Put them into practice. And get ready to see great improvement in your marriage.

1)  The opposite of a good marriage is a coexisting marriage.

The Torah uses the term “v’dovak” – “and you shall cling” – in two instances: the relationship between man and wife and man and G-d. In each of these relationships one must be fully engaged to create real connection. If you’re davening by just looking at the text, you’re not connected. If you just live side by side with your spouse, you’re not connected.   

Marriage is built by focusing on who your spouse is in terms of what he or she needs from you, not what you’re getting out of the relationship. Marriage is not about “You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.” All those metaphors about one spouse bringing in the money while the other raises the kids are not formulas for success. A spouse needs to learn to give without expecting anything in return. This is a goal that starts when you’re engaged, but it’s really a lifelong goal; you can’t just check out after two years. It’s a journey.

No one knows your spouse better than you. You see positive traits and depth of character that no one else will see, and your job is to foster them. To really engage in your marriage, learn to understand your spouse on the deepest possible level.

How to make it happen:  Every day of your life, ask yourself: is my spouse my priority?  If you consistently make your spouse your focus, you will see your marriage blossom. But if this is not a conscious effort on your part, all your other responsibilities will take center stage, and your relationship will become one of coexistence, at best.

2) Everyone needs real Sipuk – satisfaction – in life.  

Sipuk is the sense of real satisfaction that a person gets from putting in real work and getting real results. Adam l’amal yulad– a person was born to work and find satisfaction from it; if he sits around and does nothing all day, he will get depressed.  This is a fundamental principle of marriage. If a spouse does not develop real sipuk at home, he will find it somewhere else. He may work extreme hours because the workplace is where he has built respect. She may post recipes all over Instagram because that’s where she finds recognition. And if their efforts at finding real satisfaction are not met, they will become needy at home.

Each spouse ideally needs to find well-balanced sipuk in multiple areas of their lives. People are deep, and our lives are layered. We need to feel accomplishment in each of those layers by being as well-rounded as possible, creating feelings of accomplishment in our relationships with others and within ourselves.

When a person feels fulfilled, satisfied, and accomplished, it makes him a better spouse. It’s those little niggling feelings of dissatisfaction and lack of meaning that turn people into nagging, needy spouses. Self-growth is not accomplished through career goals. It is a process that takes place within one’s self, through striving to grow and meeting self-made goals.

 How to make it happen:  Sit down at night and determine which areas of self-development need to be improved. Choose two or three things within those areas and set goals for the next day.   You could work on your marriage, lashon hora, emunah – anything within yourself that needs change. Each time you hit a goal, you will feel a sense of accomplishment.

3)  A woman’s primary role is to make the home a place her husband wants to be.   

This one may not sound so politically correct. But let’s look at statistics. 80 percent of the marriage complaints I hear are from women who say they do not feel connected to their husbands. Women naturally seek connection. Men, less so. It takes effort to make them connect. It is the woman who brings emotional health into the picture, making the home a place where her husband can tune out the rest of the world.  This gives her husband a concrete means of connection to her.

When a man is greeted with chaos and a critical or disgruntled wife, it makes him want to run away, not spend time at home. This is not to say that a woman is responsible for every aspect of childcare and home care, nor is she solely responsible for the atmosphere of the home. That said, by working to make the home a calm and happy place, she will make her husband feel welcomed and loved.

There are three things to focus on: environment, children, and cleanliness. Picture yourself walking through the door and tripping over toys thrown by hungry, unkempt children while someone hollers from the next room to take off your shoes and hold the baby. Sound like a place you’d want to call home?

Compare that admittedly extreme example to a scene in which one is greeted with a smile and relative peace. Taking small steps to make the home a welcoming place will elicit feelings of connection – which is precisely what every woman craves.

 How to make it happen:  Make your initial contact of the day pleasant. Make it a point to greet your husband when he comes in and convey that you are pleased to see him. Bring up issues in ways that he’ll accept them – preferably not the second he walks through that door.  

4) A man’s primary role is to connect to his wife.

There are three ways every man can accomplish this: give your wife validation, attention, and affection. Validation is often misunderstood. When your wife tells you about a problem she is having, your job is not to solve it for her on the spot. Sometimes, all she needs is for you to acknowledge the difficulty she is experiencing. She knows how to make a decision, and she is capable of solving things on her own.  Your job is to commiserate and acknowledge her feelings. Show appreciation for the life that she lives, even if you feel she lives is a different world. Let her share her life experiences, and really listen when she talks to you. And lastly, think of love as a verb. Do things to show you love her, don’t just say the words.

 How to make it happen:  Put down that phone! Spend real time with your wife, listening without distractions and acknowledging her feelings. Make a conscious effort to do small things each day to show affection. Even a short phone call just to say hello during a busy day can go a long way in showing that you really do care.

5) Marriage is run on mutual respect. Your spouse will respect you according to your level of respectability.

Each person has his or her own level of self-dignity, or nichbadus, to which they hold themselves accountable. Rabbi Yitzchok Berkovits of the Jerusalem Kollel, under whose tutelage I studied, speaks often of this concept. He says that your accountability to yourself will determine the person you are – the words you use, the things you watch and discuss, the friends you have, and your levels of learning and yiras shamayim. That level of respectability will radiate to others, even if they don’t know the specific nuances of your lifestyle.

A couple once came to me, and the husband complained that his wife did not respect him. The wife turned to him and said, “You get up at 2 p.m., you don’t put on tefillin, you curse….What am I respecting?”

True dignity comes from deep inside, when your values are true to who you are.  Respect yourself, and you will make yourself respectable. Your spouse will treat you accordingly.  

How to make it happen:  Choose something in your life that is not necessarily permitted or prohibited, but that you feel is not quite in sync with your values – and eliminate it. For example, change what you talk about – say, from the Yankees to Torah – and those principles will become more ingrained within you.

6) Each spouse needs a voice in the marriage and the ability to discuss things that are contentious without escalating to a fight.

The concept of being mevater – to nullify your own will for the sake of others – is not an absolute in marriage. In fact, it does not necessarily work. In marriage, each spouse must be flexible enough to listen to the ideas of the other. Each must be able to share his or her opinion.  

The art of truly listening is one that most people do not possess. Most people will hear the opinion being shared and then use that information to swing back to their own viewpoint. That’s not listening. Communication in marriage is about processing ideas that differ from your own and accepting a different point of view. This is one of the most important – and most difficult – concepts in marriage.

How to make it happen:  Listen, even if you don’t like what you’re hearing. And remember this: agree before you disagree. This means listening to what is said and keeping quiet for a while or even overnight. Then tell your spouse, “I understand why you might feel the way you do, but I think….” The pause will allow you both to remain calm and will give you the chance to absorb and consider new ideas before sharing your own.

7) The main goal of marriage is to make your spouse happy.

If you wake up each day with this goal in mind, you will find ways to make your spouse happy. Your marriage won’t be about proving a point or being right. It won’t be about having the final word. You will learn not to just say things to get them off your chest.

How can you make your spouse happy? Give her what she needs. Give him what he needs. Indirect giving is good, but direct giving is better. Indirect giving is paying the bills, doing the grocery shopping, or putting away the laundry. Those things are important, but they are not providing on a deeper level. Direct giving is providing your spouse with what he or she really desires based on their needs. Attention, validation, and appreciation are the best things you can give to your spouse.

Ask yourself: what is it like being married to me? Answer that question honestly. If your answer is that it is difficult, make your interactions pleasant. Be a person who is easy to talk to and who is happy.  

How to make it happen: Focus on one or things that you know will bring happiness to your spouse – and make them happen. Each person is unique and so are his or her desires. Getting to know your spouse well enough to understand those desires – on the deepest level – takes work, but striving towards that goal will inherently bring them happiness.  

8) Marriage starts with two people, not with a couple.   

Self care is one of most underrated concepts in marriage. If one is martyr and denies himself constantly, it will be hard to give. Vatranus, nullifying one’s self, has a place, but no one should feel like a doormat. Taking time for yourself, whether via vacation, visiting a spa, or just taking a break, is one of the most important things you can do.

This principle balances the one above, which is to make your spouse happy. Your physical, spiritual, mental, and  emotional needs must be met before you can meet those of another person; otherwise, you will feel resentful and unheard.  

The metaphor that I use for marriage is two rings that overlap. The rings face outward, but they intersect in the middle. In order for marriage to work, each person must be an individual, a whole person. That intersection – the bond of marriage – is what holds the rings together, but each ring has its own identity. Each spouse must round out their life with their own happiness, their own group of friends, and their own mental and emotional satisfaction.

How to make it happen: Put your own happiness high up there among your list of priorities. Exercises, talk to Hashem, open a sefer, or visit a spa; don’t divide every waking hour between work and home. Make sure you take time for yourself to do the things you enjoy most. Make sure you feel like a mensch, that you don’t feel resentful towards your family, and that your overall state of mind is of contentment and satisfaction.

9) Be proactive, not reactive.

People tend to assume everything is okay with their spouse – until it’s not. And then they react.

A better approach is to get up on a mission. Set practical marriage goals every day. Complaints in marriage differ, but they tend to all mean the same thing. Your spouse may say, “Why didn’t you call me to tell me you’re running late?,” or “Why didn’t you pick up the cleaners?” but what they mean to say is, “I feel like I’m not a priority” or “You’re not giving me what I need.”

Be proactive. Focus on your spouse, and don’t wait for those complaints. Make the words “I love you” more than lip service.

How to make it happen: Don’t just buy flowers for Shabbos. Be spontaneous! Buy roses or a card. Call in middle of the day to check in. Or, don’t call, if you know that’s something you usually do too often, which they find annoying.

10) Make your spouse one of one and they’ll always be Number One.

If you are always looking outward at what other people have, or what other people look like, you are not fully focusing on your spouse. Worse, your spouse is constantly being compared and will likely fall somewhere in the middle, so you won’t fully appreciate them.

Shemiras einayin, guarding one’s eyes, applies to both men and women, halachically and hashkafically. If your real focus is finding out who your spouse is, getting to know their true depth, it won’t matter that someone else’s spouse bought a new car or watched all the kids so his wife could go out. Your spouse will be the only thing on your radar.

Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Auerbach, zatzal, used to say that he could think of thousands of maalos (positive character traits) that his wife possessed. When you are focused inwardly at your marriage with no distractions, and really get to know the person you married, you learn to appreciate them for who they are.  

How to make it happen:  Make a mental list of things you appreciate about your spouse – and let that list grow longer each day. When you thank Hashem during Modim, thank Him for the positive qualities He gave your spouse.