Wheels: Anatomy of a Carpool

For a newbie parent who has not yet begun the incredible journey of driving a car full of exuberant little humans to their place of learning, carpool is simply perceived as a means of transportation, a smaller version of the bus. For the more experienced among us, carpool is understood to be a crucial platform in the stage of life, one that takes on a larger role than a way to get from here to there. It is the carpool setting, after all, that brings out the best and worst in each of us. It is when compromise doesn’t always feel simple, especially when it involves digging your car out of the snow or running with booster seats in the pouring rain. It is in those early morning carpool hours when we get to know which of us are eternally cheerful, and which are impatient. It is when we get to know who is efficient and orderly and who consistently apologizes, tichel askew, for the upturned Leben and crumpled wrappers in the back seat.

On a rushed morning (and which morning isn’t rushed?) you will find that the carpool experience, often your first interaction of the day with the outside world, sets the tone for the rest of your day. An unpleasant experience, such as one that makes you late to work, can cause you a great deal of stress. This is why choosing the right carpool is paramount.

Wanted: The perfect carpool. All drivers must live within a five block radius of our home. To qualify you must strive to be easygoing and flexible in nature, yet also punctual and organized. Bonus points for a spotless car and quiet, respectful children. Seatbelts required.

The Players:

The Organizer: Every carpool worth its weight has one of these. This individual is not just a key player, she runs the entire operation. Her capability is apparent from the very beginning, before school even starts, when each carpool driver receives a comprehensive schedule, including a calendar and contact information for each member of the team. This is the person you can count on to remind you what day of the week it is when you’ve quite forgotten after a sleepless night, and the one who will remind you at the beginning of the week that there is early dismissal this Thursday. You will always feel slightly incompetent around her; just get used to it.

The Punctual One: Not to be confused with the Organizer, this carpool member is never, ever late. His or her designated days are the ones when you have to be ready at least five minutes earlier than usual. These are also the days when you will feel intense stress when your child lingers over breakfast, can’t find his shoes, or decides he needs the bathroom when it’s time to leave. Be forewarned: any lateness on your part (or your child’s) will generally not be accepted cheerfully. You’d be best off just trying to accommodate this driver to the best of your ability.

The Do-Gooder: You will identify this person very quickly. She will unfailingly greet you with a wide smile and graciously accommodate any of your requests, including switching turns, covering for you when you go away, or hosting your child for a playdate when you run late at work. She is sincere and gracious, and will ultimately be the one you try to emulate most. Be careful not to take advantage of this kind soul.

The Latecomer: This one may come as a surprise to you if you knew her prior to your carpool experience. This is because lateness is not a malady reserved for the otherwise dysfunctional; on the contrary, the most seemingly in-control, put together individuals may turn out to be habitually late in the carpool setting. This will cause you a fair amount of grief, particularly if you must be at work by a specific time. The advantage of having the Latecomer in your carpool is that it will give you the opportunity to fine-tune your middos and overall patience level, as you try, week after week, to remain cheerful and civilized as that car pulls up 15 minutes late. It will also allow you to hone your communication skills, as you swallow your harsh words and try to convey your frustration in a non-threatening, polite manner.

The Favor Taker: In the beginning, conversations with this member of the carpool will open with these words: “Can you do me a favor?” With time, these requests will assume a creative edge. Beware of answering questions such as “Will you be passing a bakery on your way home?” or “Will your child be playing at home this afternoon?” – and be prepared to do a fair amount of babysitting in the guise of “playdates.” This person means no harm, but learn to say no when you must.

The Cheshbon Keeper: We all have times when we need to ask favors (but do so sparingly, unless you want to assume the role of Favor Taker). This is one member of the carpool, however, you might want to ask last – or when there is truly no alternative. She is the one who will remind you that you owe her a carpool shift on the day before your son’s bar mitzvah, letting you know in no uncertain terms that there is no one else to cover. This is also the person who will offer to cover for you after you have a baby (for up to two weeks) but will make sure you return the favor before the year is up. Try to lead by example when dealing with this one, doing favors and covering days with good cheer and no mention of payback. Perhaps they will get the message.

The Absentee Parent: You will see no sign of this one, unless it is her turn to drive. Most likely, it will be a housekeeper or babysitter who places or removes the child from your car, and sometimes, said housekeeper will be too busy puttering in the back of the house to hear your honk. Always keep small Ziploc bags of cereal and maybe some box drinks in the back of your car in case their young charge has not had time for a proper breakfast, and try to remember that not everyone has the luxury of spending as much time with their child as they would prefer.

The Diva: The actual diva here, of course, refers to the child, not the parent. So perhaps this member should be dubbed the Diva’s Advocate. We’ll leave that debate for another time. If you’ve ever come in contact with a Diva during your carpool travails, you will already be accustomed to the requests for a front seat, well air-conditioned vehicle, and a particular sequence of pickup and drop off. If you have not, you will know you have a Diva in your car when you hear a tiny voice telling you to shut the Uncle Moishy CD because she has a “headache.” The best way to handle a Diva is to smile genially while putting your foot down – figuratively, of course. Speeding in the carpool lane is a no-no.

The Drama Queen (or King): This moniker, as well, is reserved for the child, who in this instance does not require an advocate. This passenger may not take up a lot of physical space, but you will find that he or she takes up a disproportionate amount of emotional space. This is the child you don’t want to inadvertently offend, who will often enter the car sobbing for dear life while glaring ferociously at everyone, including you, the poor driver. The best advice here is to pray that the child has had a good morning or day at school.

If you were chuckling as you read this, particularly if you have been a carpool member at least once, I’m sure it can be assumed that you recognize a characteristic or two from your own carpool experiences. If you’ve never joined a carpool, you may find yourself wondering, “Why?” Why indeed would someone willingly join a carpool? Truth be told, there is sometimes no choice. Not everyone has the luxury of school buses, dear Brooklyn readers.

To answer the question for those of us who willingly make the choice, I turn to exhibit A, a short video I have on my phone. In it you will see four small girls, singing loudly and waving their arms wildly as they attempt to dance in their seats. They are all beaming. During the last second of the clip, if you watch carefully, you can see them put their arms around each other, a messy tangle of happy little friends.

This is why we endure the inevitable frustrations, the occasional lateness, and the impatient drivers. It’s about relationships, friendships that begin with our young passengers. It’s about learning to relate well to those who show their best and worst sides, about working together through the ups and downs of making the daily trip to school a smooth and pleasant one.

Those little girls on my video are now great friends.

Even the little Drama Queen there in the back, a fifth girl you didn’t see at first, who is sulking in the corner seat.