ASK THE THERAPIST

Q: Whenever we visit my sister-in-law, she makes snide comments about how dysfunctional parenting leads to kids being “messed up.” It’s clear that her comments are directed at me, as I have a son with behavioral issues who frequently gets into trouble at school. Often, she will ask me how he is doing right after she has made these comments. I really don’t want to visit her anymore, but my husband says that since she is family, I need to learn to look the other way. How can I handle this?

A: I am sorry for what you are going through. It really sounds painful for anyone to bear, especially for a mother being criticized on her parenting.

I would like to start by pointing out that I believe your husband’s approach is mistaken. His first responsibility is to you as his wife, making sure you are comfortable and feel safe wherever you go. Although some people may disagree with me, I believe his responsibility includes being willing and ready to stop going to his sister with you, if things don’t change.

I understand that he may disagree and want you to just “get over it,” but you need to know that your reaction is completely typical and normal based on the circumstances. If he has trouble accepting that, perhaps going with your husband to a third party like a Rav or therapist can be helpful.

Additionally, there are things you can do to address this. One approach is based on the premise that there are three ways we to relate to others in the world: by being passive, assertive, or aggressive. In brief, being passive is allowing others to step on you while not getting your needs met. Being aggressive is stepping on others and getting your needs met; while being assertive is trying to get your needs met in a respectful manner. I have found that in almost all instances being direct and assertive is the most effective way to address something that is bothering us. Of course, there are times when looking the other way is more preferable, but we need to determine if we are looking the other way to try to maintain peace or we are just avoiding an uncomfortable feeling. Many people seem to adapt one of the extremes of being passive or aggressive, as being assertive can feel very uncomfortable for us. Parenthetically, that is usually the result of the normal need of wanting to be liked by others and seen in a certain night.

In your case, I understand that addressing this directly with your sister-in-law might be really difficult, particularly if you feel it may lead to ongoing tension or something worse. You need to consider, though, that many times that is fear is unfounded, and others end up admiring us more when we assert ourselves respectfully. If you do decide to address this with her, you may want to role-play the conversation with your husband and use it as an opportunity to prepare for the various responses you might receive. While there are times people can react to assertiveness as if they are being attacked, that is usually indicative of an issue they are struggling with, and you don’t need to “own” their issue. Of course, like we said, it’s really important to remain respectful regardless of the response you get and to do it in private in order to minimize any embarrassment for her.

I would like to leave you with one final thought. Sometimes understanding why someone is acting a certain way helps us see it in a different light and not personalize it as much. Does your sister-in-law have any children? Her criticism of you is likely reflective of her feeling bad about her own parenting. Or perhaps there may be a certain degree of jealousy that might lead her to try and put you down. Regardless, I commend you for trying to handle this in a mature manner despite the pain it has caused you.