ASK THE THERAPIST

Q: My kids complain all day about everything and anything. Any tips on how to handle it?

A: What you really want is a magic trick to set their volume to zero, right? Jokes aside, as much as parents love their children, hearing them constantly kvetch can drive anyone bananas! From minor gripes about bedtime to significant objections regarding school, kids of all ages seem to express their dissatisfaction relentlessly. 

Before addressing their complaints, it’s essential to understand why children might be voicing them. They might be feeling neglected or crave validation, connection, or attention. They might be expressing feelings of frustration, boredom, or sadness. Complaining can sometimes be a learned habitual behavior that becomes a default response. It may also be a way for kids to explore the boundaries set by their parents and test their limits. Younger children who have not yet developed problem-solving skills often resort to complaining as well.

So, what can we do as caregivers? Well, I would suggest taking a deep breath first. Then, you can implement these effective strategies to handle all the kvetching: 

• Active listening involves giving your full attention to your child, acknowledging their feelings, and responding empathetically. This can make the child feel heard and understood, reducing the need for repetitive complaints. For example, a child might say, “I don’t want to do my homework; it’s too hard!” A parent might respond, “I hear you. Homework can be challenging. Let’s look at it together and see how we can make it easier.”
• Set clear expectations and explain the consequences of not meeting them. Consistency is key to helping children understand what is acceptable and what isn’t. For example, “Bedtime is at 8 p.m. every night. If you keep complaining and delaying, we won’t have time for our bedtime story.”
• Teach your kids problem-solving skills. Encourage your child to think of solutions and guide them through the process. If your child says, “I don’t like the lunch you packed,” you can respond, “What would you like instead? Let’s plan a lunch menu together.”
• Reward positive behavior to reduce complaints. Praise and acknowledge when they handle situations without complaining. You can say things like, “I noticed you didn’t complain about your chores today. That shows great responsibility—well done!”
• Model positive behavior by handling your frustrations calmly and without complaining. Children learn a lot from observing adults. I love to express gratitude for everything. Even if they don’t mimic it, they hear it.

Sometimes, children just need to feel seen and valued. Spend quality time with them and validate their feelings even if you disagree with their complaints. For example, “I understand you’re upset about not getting more screen time. Having some limits is important, but we can do something else together now.” If the complaints become overwhelming, set aside specific times for them to voice their concerns. This helps in managing the frequency and intensity of complaints. 

Addressing frequent complaints requires patience and consistency. Children need time to adapt to new strategies, and parents must remain steadfast in their approach. Remember, the goal is not to eliminate complaints entirely but to teach children more constructive ways to express their needs and frustrations.

In conclusion, if you’re dealing with children who complain a lot, there is no need to pull out all your hair. Consistency, empathy, and strategic intervention can make a significant difference over time. And that will lead to a more supportive and nurtured environment that will make everyone happy!