ASK THE THERAPIST

 Q  My friend has gone through a lot in her life and tends to confide in me. I have suggested to her that she seek professional help and go to therapy since I am not qualified to advise on her issues, which seem to be complex and difficult. She is against going and thinks she can handle it on her own. I’m beginning to feel overwhelmed by her questions, and it is scary to think that I am her only sounding board when it should be a professional therapist. What should I tell her? 

A If you can manage to have her sit on the couch while you’re talking to her you would be able to charge her for the time 🙂

All kidding aside it sounds like you’re a really good friend to her and that she feels safe opening up to you. I also think it’s great that you’re able to recognize that some things are too complex to deal with on your own and it sounds like you’re advising her to go in the right direction.

I’d like to address two different aspects of the question. The first is the boundaries and the second is what’s in the best interest of your friend.

As far as boundaries, it can be challenging to be in a helpful role while not letting it overwhelm you. Sometimes, even therapists have strong feelings of wanting to “save” somebody and do anything we can to help them. We might feel like if we just try hard enough we will be able to, but we know this is not the truth. No matter how strong our desire is to help, or how hard we try, there are many factors that are out of our control; regardless of what we say or do, we won’t yield the results we’re hoping for. Some of these factors have nothing to do with us. Other times, the steps we want to take might result in us taking on more than we can handle, perhaps because we feel responsible or guilty saying no. We end up overextending ourselves, which can lead to feelings of resentment. Setting healthy boundaries means thinking about what feels ok for you without feeling like you’re losing a part of yourself in the process. We tend to get stuck sometimes and look at situations with black and white thinking, such as, it’s either we save them or we’re unhelpful or useless. That’s not the reality. More often than not, our role in life when helping someone is to be a part of the solution, not the whole solution. By setting healthy boundaries, we ensure that we don’t feel overwhelmed and can continue to help. When people overextend themselves it can make them feel burned out, unable to help anyone. Recognizing this can diminish the unhealthy guilt we may be feeling. 

This might sound challenging but I suggest that you first think about what you’re capable of doing for your friend, including how much time you’re able to give her. Next, I would suggest having a conversation with her and explain this to her clearly and firmly. You can talk to her about how you care about her and want to be a part of her life. You can express that  you’re there for her , although you know you can’t save her, and at times you might not be there in the way she wants. While she may not see this right away, this might actually be in her best interest as well. It can lead her to the realization that she may need additional support that you can’t provide. 

Having a good friend is priceles, s and we need to ensure that the people in our lives can continue to be there for the long run.