ASK THE THERAPIST

Q Over the last few years, I have been experiencing feelings of anger. I feel triggered by my father, my wife, and my children. I find this surprising because I used to be known for my incredible level of patience. I would also like to mention that over the last few years I have experienced some life changes such as a terminally ill father and children entering their teenage years. In addition, I have taken another part-time job, which I find very demanding. How do I cope with my life changes without losing it?

A Thanks for asking a question that many individuals in your position can relate to. I’d like to commend you for the level of patience you maintained until recently. Unless there are details you did not include, your elevated level of anger seems to be triggered by multiple stressors. Perhaps the first step would be celebration. Very few individuals can state that for most of their lives they have been known for their incredible level of patience. If patience is an attribute you worked on, pat yourself on the back, and if patience came to you naturally, celebrate your gift. The second step is normalization. It’s crucial for you to normalize your feelings of anger so you don’t view yourself as different from others. This is because most individuals get overwhelmed and angry when facing multiple triggers. The third step is acceptance. Acceptance does not mean passive resignation. Quite the opposite is true. It takes a tremendous level of fortitude to accept parts of yourself that you don’t like. Simply put, it is essential for you to accept your anger in order to create effective change. This leads us to the fourth step: creating positive change.

In 2017 the Mayo Clinic compiled resources for anger management. One tool they provide is thinking before you speak. I believe that waiting thirty seconds to collect your thoughts will greatly reduce feelings of regret. Once you’re calm, express your feelings in a direct but non-confrontational manner. Another important tool you can utilize to reduce feelings of anger is self-care. In your case this is critical as you have been struggling with multiple stressors. For example, when feeling stressed  from your teens’ attitude, take time out to slowly drink a cup of coffee in a quiet room. Moreover, to reduce conflict, try to use “I” statements. For example, you can tell your teen, “I’m upset that this did not turn out to be an effective conversation” instead of “You are the most self-entitled kid I ever met.” In addition, it is important to seek appropriate solutions. For example, if your part-time work schedule can be flexible, try to spread your responsibilities over a few days. It is also imperative to utilize relaxation skills such as engaging in deep breathing, listening to your favorite music, or imagining a relaxing scene, such as the beach. Moreover, to take the edge off, try to engage in some form of exercise. Forms of physical activity you might find helpful when you are feeling angry are jogging, running, or any form of sports. Another powerful tool is forgiveness, because feelings of anger increase bitterness. When you find it within yourself to forgive injustice, you will find a calmer version of yourself emerge. 

If you try these techniques but your anger seems to flare out of control, please seek help. This will significantly reduce feelings of regret you might experience when hurting others. I wish you lots of luck as you continue to juggle your many responsibilities, hopefully in a calmer manner.