ASK THE THERAPIST

Q I have struggled all my life with being self-critical. Sometimes it is good because it motivates me to do what I need to do and to grow as a person. But other times I am so hard on myself, telling myself that I’m an “idiot” or “stupid,” and it just makes me feel down. I am wondering how I can keep the motivating part without beating myself up all the time?

A While it’s true that being self-critical can help motivate us at times, I have found that for most people it is done in an unhealthy manner that stunts or stagnates growth. Dr. Abraham Twersky often notes in his books the difference between guilt and shame, with guilt being healthy and shame being unhealthy. He points out that guilt motivates change by creating the feeling that one is better than x behavior, while shame tells a person that he is defective and not capable of or worth changing. Guilt motivates action while shame results in inaction. The same can be said here. If you find that what you’re saying to yourself is motivating you to be better, then you’re likely doing it correctly. If you find that it’s just making you feel bad about yourself then what you’re doing is counterproductive. It will create a vicious cycle of inaction, leading to self-hate and then more inaction. It can be argued that learning to be self-compassionate may be the greatest tool we have to motivate us and encourage change and growth, while harsh criticism and self-hate may be the biggest impediment.  We see a similar dynamic with people who struggle with perfectionism and believe that it motivates them to be better when in fact the opposite is true. One of the most striking qualities you will see with successful people is their “relationship” with mistakes and failure. Invariably you’ll see that they don’t harp on it, obsess about it, or define themselves in any way by it. Rather, they tend to move on relatively quickly, trying to take some lesson from it and continue to focus on what they want.

I have found it helpful when facing a mistake or setback to ask the following: What would a loving parent say to their child in this situation? You can do this regardless of whether you had a parent like that. We know that healthy loving parents support, believe in, and motivate their children to be the best they can be. And that comes without name calling, speaking harshly, or being condescending.  You may find that the more critical voice remains “louder” in your head but even by just introducing a positive message and creating a small space for it, time will allow it to grow and eventually be the more prominent message you are telling yourself. 

Another important point is that we always have the option of viewing things through more than one lens.  

In a famous tale from India,  a water-bearer carries two large pots on a yoke across his shoulders up the hill from the river to his master’s house each day. One has a crack and leaks half its water out each day before arriving at the house. The other pot is perfect and always delivers a full portion of water.

Finally, after years of arriving half-empty and feeling guilty, the cracked pot apologizes to the water-bearer: “I’m sorry that I couldn’t accomplish what the perfect pot did.”

The water-bearer says, “What do you have to apologize for?”

“After all this time, I still only deliver half my load of water. I make more work for you because of my flaw.”

The man smiled and tells the pot, “Take note of all the lovely flowers growing on the side of the path where I carried you. The flowers grew so lovely because of the water you leaked. There are no flowers on the perfect pot’s side.”

In any struggle or failure, we have an opportunity to learn from our experience. We may realize that what we learned from the struggle was more valuable than anything we could have learned if things had gone as planned. 

I want to take this opportunity to say goodbye to the readers as this will be my last Ask the Therapist column due to other responsibilities that I must tend to. I would like to thank all the readers for their comments and questions each month. I would also like to thank the staff at the Jewish Echo for all their help over the past few years. From Ita and her never-ending patience with my articles consistently being submitted late, to Rayle and all her ideas, suggestions, and feedback to help keep the column relevant and helpful to our readers. I began writing for the magazine back in August 2016, and it has been a wonderful opportunity that I am grateful for. Thank you, Shea, for trusting in me and giving me this platform, which I hope I have used to help foster change and awareness in the importance of mental health.