ASK THE THERAPIST

A. My husband and I have very different parenting styles when it comes to raising our three kids ages seven, nine, and 13. He calls me a pushover because I deal with misbehavior by talking it through and giving chances, while he resorts to yelling and punishing. I think he goes overboard at times and I cringe when I hear him calling them “stupid”, “baby”, or “an embarrassment”, especially when I see the hurt looks on their faces. I have tried talking to him numerous times. I have shown him articles from parenting magazines that confirm the damage caused by a parent’s hateful remarks. I even had our Rav talk to him about it, but he still maintains that his parenting style is the right way to handle today’s kids. My question to you is not how to handle him, because I am convinced he won’t change, but what can I say to my children to help them cope and understand his behavior? 

Q.You are stuck in middle of a difficult situation. As I read your question, I felt deeply for you. I was also touched by your level of care and resilience in this struggle. The good news is that according to Dr. DePaulo in her article, “One Parent Can Do Just As Good a Job As Two” published in Psychology Today (2017), children can thrive with the support of just one parent.  While the article does not provide evidence related to children with one overly harsh parent, it is encouraging to know that strong support from one parent can be just as valuable as support from two parents. 

Before answering your question, I’d like to address the concept of the “Good Enough Mother” coined by English psychoanalyst and pediatrician Dr. W. Winnicot. In her article, “What Is a Good Enough Mother?” published in 2016, Dr. Marilyn Wedge highlights that with good enough mothering, a child has the capacity to live in two parallel worlds: a world of magic, and a world that doesn’t always confirm to his or her wishes. From reading your question, I conclude that you’re the mother who provides magic, while your husband’s form of parenting teaches your children that the world doesn’t always conform to their wishes. 

Although it is clear that your form of parenting is psychologically empowering, while your husband’s form of parenting can be demeaning, there are ways you can continue to empower them. A good way for you to explain your husband’s form of parenting to your children is by comparing parents to trainers at a gym. While many trainers believe that positive reinforcement brings on positive change in their trainees, other trainers believe that highlighting negative attributes during a workout – in other words, shaming – is better motivation for positive change. You can explain to your children that although your husband can be a tough trainer, his intentions are sincere. Help your children use your husband’s negative parenting perspective to empower them and help build their resilience. 

Children are intuitive and can easily pick up cues from their surroundings. You can validate their pain when they look hurt while allowing them to express it without the fear of being judged. Notice your husband’s strengths related to parenting. Perhaps he’s athletic or analytical. Allow your children to connect with him in these areas. This might empower your husband to take on the role of “teaching” your children and perhaps bring out his gentler form of communication while parenting. 

Last but not least, if any of your children are naturally more sensitive, encourage them to see a therapist consistently. This might allow them to express their confusion and pain to an objective individual and build their resilience. 

In conclusion, I commend you for your level of understanding in parenting your children while accepting your husband’s personality and reluctance to change. Continue to be your children’s positive trainer as they continue to bike uphill!