ASK THE THERAPIST

Q I am planning on having my parents and siblings over for Pesach and had a question regarding the sleeping arrangements for my children. I have a 12-year-old son and an 8-year-old daughter. They normally have their own rooms, but that won’t be possible with the guests we are having. Is there something wrong with them sharing a room together for the week, or is that  normal and acceptable?

A Thank you for a very thoughtful question. Healthy boundaries is a subject that needs to be addressed in every family.  Families need to be mindful of it’s something that should be talked about openly. While the situation you are facing is not ideal, I think there are ways to make it work while avoiding any potential issues.

Let’s discuss some general fundamentals around boundaries, and then look to apply it to your particular situation. Please note that what I’m about to discuss only applies to children that have not been “offended” or exposed to inappropriate material. Additionally, we are talking about children that are not displaying any outward inappropriate behavior. 

We know it’s important to talk to our children about their bodies and how they are intended to be private. From the age of about five, children should be changing behind closed doors, and if needed, with the help of a parent. This is about that age they naturally become conscious of their bodies and notice differences between the genders.

It is also important that children are given names for their body parts. While some people feel it’s appropriate to use the actual biological terms, it is also okay to use words that you feel would be more comfortable for your particular child (while ensuring it is clear what part you and/or your child are referring to). 

While it is natural and normal for some exploration with children of opposite gender, especially around the ages of about five or six (such as “playing doctor” or peeking at another child while they’re getting dressed), if that comes to our attention, it needs to be addressed in a sensitive and non-shaming manner. We need to remind our children that their bodies and the bodies of others are private and should not be exposed to others. 

In your situation, I would suggest having a conversation with both of the children together explaining that because of family coming over they will need to be sharing a room. It should be explained that each of them should be getting dressed and undressed privately in the bathroom and not in front of each other. Additionally, the room they are in should never be locked and you and your spouse should infrequently step in and check on what they’re doing. All this should be done in a non-shaming and pleasant manner. Allow the children to ask questions about anything they don’t understand or seems strange to them. They should also both be encouraged that if they have any questions, or anything makes them uncomfortable over Yom Tov, they should feel free to discuss it with either you or your spouse. 

Thank you again for your question and wishing you and your family a happy and healthy Yom Tov.